Considering how long it has been since I lasted posted anything and how most of my readers are dear friends of mine (who will be receiving an awfully annoying spam E-mail concerning a sudden post from this highly inconsistent blog), I feel it is only right for me to end this hiatus with a small life update on me before I go on about anything else. The last weeks, months, or dare I say, last year, has been very uneventful, really. When someone asks me how I am doing, my answer is usually “okay, I guess”. Not too dramatic, not too concerning, not too grand either. Nothing has really changed, and yet so much is different. Let’s just get right into it!
Disclaimer: By now it should be pretty clear that this will be quite personal exposé about – yes, you guessed it – me. So here is your warning, before you come to complain to me that I complain too much about “first-world-problems”.
I’d also like to recommend this song as a mood setter. Wow, so dramatic of me, but also what did you expect? ded
Taking Coconut out for a long walk 
Out for dinner with my sister
Update on Career and Academics
I’ll start with the easy part (because I also don’t really know what I am trying to tell you yet). I am still doing my masters, and honestly I don’t think I have really progressed much over the past year. So, I am pretty much still standing at the start line is what it really feels like. Ok, honestly, maybe this is not the easy part.
I am in my 3rd semester now, and while I should be finding a place to start my master thesis next semester (according to the regular plan of this program), I am finding myself far from ready to take on something like that. I have failed quite a few exams until now. Although I am, well-aware, that it is okay to fail, it often makes me feel like I will fail everything else in this life. So, really, I am internally in a constant fight between striving for perfection and acceptance of failure.
So, why has it been so hard?
Everyone goes at a different pace in this life, and I honestly believe that is something we need to normalise. While others may be way ahead of me in this journey, I am sure I am not the only one that is currently struggling. Classes aren’t that difficult if I am being candid. However, that does not mean you can go through it without any effort. If I would put the time into it, I am sure it wouldn’t be so hard, now would it? So, clearly the problem lies in the lack of motivation, which in return is dependent on me. Hence, why I hate myself jks.
The thing is that when you spend all your life, striving off a system that measures success by academic achievements, you are bound to fall into an abyss.
And that is where I stand … or really, where I am falling into. In a way, I am trying to learn to that it is okay to fail sometimes and that I must accept reality as it is. In another way, I am trying to find a new way to feel success and sources of joy instead of trying to measure it by any means. But as you may already know, these things are harder to do than to say.
Trying to balance a part-time job, studying, hobbies, chores and sufficient sleep is not an easy thing to do. Afterall, I am no super-human, am I? Although I try so hard to be. I get overwhelmed quite easily, and while I haven’t had a full on meltdown in a while, I am not sure I could fully say that I am fine either.
A trip to the Pagoda
Okay, let me give you a little story time. A while ago, my family and I took a trip to the largest pagoda here in Germany. My cousin has told us about how spiritually connected this place is, and how it has always provided her clear and good answers to big life decisions she has had to make. To do this, you do a practice called “xin xăm” which apparently translates into “seeking for sortilege”, by drawing a number after you pray.
The cards have poems written on them, as well as simple fortelling phrases. The poem is the answer to your question, but it is written in old Vietnamese making it practically impossible for me to understand without any help. So, my cousin decribed to me how the poem talks about how I have a very stable and steady flow in life. That while, there may be difficulties and complications on the way, my journey will not be swayed. Though it may be slower paced, my journey steadily moves forward.
Though I know this may all be bogus to you, but I think I really needed this reassurance. At this point, I hadn’t even told my cousin what my question had been. So, I am here to say that it does indeed give answers. To be honest, I was not sure either what I wanted to know. But I knew I needed answers. So I tried to explain to her what I had asked.
My little search for help
It’s just been really hard, honestly. Living. At this point, I wasn’t really sure, I was doing anything right anymore. Everything just seemed wrong. Whether I was going in the right direction, or whether I should be taking a complete turn, I just wasn’t sure. I just haven’t been feeling well. I haven’t been feeling like … living. Bringing this up at all, had and still has me in tears. It is difficult to be emotional when you feel like you don’t have the time for it. When you don’t really know how to talk about it. When you don’t really know what in the heck is making you feel this way. And all you know how to say is, “It’s just not been easy” with tears in your eyes, and end the conversation like that. (I know, I need therapy, yes, yah don’t need to yell, pls sir, ok?! Though it should relieve u that I am in therapy now.)
So hearing all of this, made me feel a little at peace. I know, I shall not rely on it. Nonetheless, I think I live with enough anxiety and fear in this life, to afford a little reassurance in my soul. Because at this point, fear and anxiety are my two toxic best buddies that are holding me, hostage, from … joy and enjoying things.
UI just felt like Coconut really represented my mood here 
Little paws
Update as a Socialite and Life at Home
Well, as you can imagine, I haven’t been very social since Corona started. My life has been very stagnant, not much to update. I have made friends here and there but I wouldn’t call this city the place I belong to. It has much to offer, and yet I often find myself wondering whether I could just up and leave. I actually feel much more anti-social than I have before strangely. It often dawns on me that it seems that I don’t want to make new friends sometimes. While you would think that all this at home time, would make me want to meet people, I am maybe more reluctant to socialize, and quite honestly, being social may be fun for the time, but quickly exhausts me. Finding myself in the need to just curl myself up and be alone, to recharge. My inner introvert is definitely getting its way.
Living in a home with only shared space is hard, even when it is just your family. It is not easy, and I definitely think it is time that I get a space I can call mine. Sometimes I feel like I’m taking the role of a super-mum, feeling the need that I have to get done every single chore in this house alone. I also find myself feeling guilty, when I am doing things I would enjoy doing instead of studying, working or doing chores. Why is it that I always feel so overwhelmed by all these activities when it really isn’t that much? So I end up procrastinating by browsing social media.
It seems to me that there just aren’t enough hours in a day for me to do all the tasks I would have liked to get done. I often feel like I’m going into overdrive, or maybe it’s all in my head? Either way, I just can’t seem to get it all done, and it makes me feel so crappy.
Fun fact in my life update (from 6 months ago)
For a while during the summer, I became a morning person somewhat. Well, I think the better term to describe it is a normal person sleeping schedule (Rise and shine at 7 am amigos, but also dead asleep by 11.30pm). And I go for a walk with Coconut every morning and try to do some sort of exercise or stretching daily (Whaaaaat?? DiD i hEar dAT coRrecTLY?? Thanh does exercise???? – Yes, mis amigos. I am just extremely worried about back pain from too much sitting, so there is something we gotta do to care for ourselves).
But now that winter came back around everything just went down the drain and I am at point zero (or even in the minus degrees tbh yohoo).
On the brighter side
Another life update: I have moved! Well not far, just into another apartment on the other side of the river. In fact, it is gonna be my very own apartment, which is gonna be right underneath or above my sister’s. But I think this will give me a lot of mental stability too, having my own space and rules and all.
I am still living in chaos and surrounded by cardboard boxes, without enough fuel to get it all together. The more I see the mess, the more I get drained, and the more I cry (what a cycle huh). But that is okay, I am slowly learning how to charge my mental battery and that it is okay to take time (though it really is not an easy process, because I am indeed very good at being self-destructive, a true power trait of mine you could say huhu).
Update on Relationships
Out for lunch with my aunt 
Would you have guessed, that this was taken after I had finished eating?
Last but not least, the thing you have been all waiting for! I am sorry, I haven’t been the greatest at staying in touch with all of you beautiful people and I will call! Most of the time, I just feel not in the right mental space. I should just do as Nike says. Just do it. So, lemme give you a call real soon!!
And for those of you wondering, my boyfriend and I are still happily together. Every time we spend time together and it feels like the greatest week I have had in a very long while! I don’t mean to sound corny, but it just makes me so happy to spend so much time together. And I just couldn’t believe how much we always have to talk to about. It’s just crazy, how after 5 years (ey our anniversary was this summer wohoo), we are still learning more about each other. And we are still in love (aw pls doN’t throw tomatoes at me! I really tried to keep it short).
I am planning on writing a post about what it’s like to fall in love in the future, cause I thought it might be fun to write about (while of course this is different for everyone, I thought it might be fun for me personally to write about my personal experience).
Welp, that about wraps it up! I hope to post more stuff soon. I have a lot of content piled up in my drafts. So hoping to stay on track! Missing you all so much and I hope you enjoyed reading this update on my life.
Love, Thanh
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